Yesterday Xtreme and I experienced our first really big OMG we are so proud of you aren’t you so smart and wonderful proud as peaches parental moment. Ok we do actually have these moments more often than not when we thank the aliens for giving us a child that is kind, funny and generally very well behaved. We are convinced our actual child was switched at birth by the aliens and we ended up with Cub as some sort of peace offering before they invade our planet.

Anywhoo,  as you know, Cub is in grade one, and this month has been poetry month. Which means that the kids had to select a poem , memorize it and recite it to their class( I first thought we would be able to actually choose one, according to the NEWSLETTER Sent home by the Teachers! But no they sent a book home for the kids to pick one)  

Regardless we sat down, and he picked out his poem. Now please bear in mind that we had a whole month to do this and I really suck at the whole preplan thing. My whole life has been a series of OMG this has to be in tomorrow or I am going to fail/lose/be the worst mom ever moments. So when we did get around to actually starting to practice- Cub looked at me squarely and with the complete and utter confidence of a 6 year old stated ;

*eye roll* (wonder where he gets THAT!) “ Mommmmm, I already KNOW IT!”

“Oh yeah? Well you have to have it memorized to say to your class, say it to me now then Mr.”

So Mr. Hands on his hips comes straight out and recites it verbatim perfectly! Little shit! In a now I have to eat my words but I’m so happy kinda way. So over the next week we randomly quiz him and he recites, we show him off to the Grandparents like a performing monkey all are impressed.

The day of the recital, his teacher videotaped them and when he came home, I asked him how it went.

“Good”

This of course is the majority of our conversations, how was_____ Good, Did you have fun at school today? Yup What did your Teacher say about your poem? Nothin’.. So I guessed it was good. Then on Thursday we got a note from the teacher;

“Cub will be performing his poem at the Volunteer’s School Tea next Monday. Good Job.”

He was selected from all the Grade one’s to perform his poem for the school tea.

I cried.

So some of you may remember, that my two Dads, ( or bosses) are divorcing. As a result, I will be heading out with Dad #2  (he needs a new name- I just haven’t settled on one just yet. I currently call him many things- some cannot be repeated in public) Due to the divorce, we’ve been looking for new digs, and we seem to have located something that fits our ..uhum…criteria… but it’s not in the building we are in, so we will be moving to a much smaller place.

This makes me somewhat sad, because this building has seen its share of some of the oddest people & random events, that have caused me tremendous pleasure.

For example, Crazy Parking lot Lady* Name changed to protect her identity.

In order to completely understand CPLL, I must describe her; she is in her late 40’s, bleach blond shoulder length … hair? Although it never seems to have a set style. She is also very very vertically challenged- If I had to guess, she’s maybe 4 ½ feet tall- yup not much taller than Cub ( WHO IS 6..but I digress)  She also seems to have an intense love of shirts with animal prints; she always wears black pants that are too tight with boots. And the worst pair of nerdy ass glasses I have EVER seen on a woman!

While I am sure that CPLL has many redeeming qualities, driving and social interaction are not amongst them. In the first month I worked in this building, she cut me off from 4 lanes of traffic over and nearly hit my front bumper –no less than 7 times!

This woman cannot, I repeat cannot make it into the parkade ‘chute’ where we have to swipe to get in to the underground parking, without HITTING something. I ‘ve seen her hit the curb (many many times) hit the electronic arm so hard she broke it, hit the car in front of her, hit the big yellow metal pole so many times that she has permanent yellow paint on her front bumper.

She is also too vertically challenged to reach close enough with her swipe key to activate the switch, so she has devised a clever system of long aluminum kitchen tongs with her key on a ring that she dangles out the window at the sensor like she’s waving a flag of defeat. I cannot even count how many times she has dropped said key and left her car in gear as she has exited to retrieve it from the ground ( See hitting the arm above)

During the past 2 years I have learned to park in the spot farthest from her once she makes it into the parkade. You by now have some sort of understanding of how well she can park!

For many months, I racked up her driving skills as horrid, but gave her leeway due to her vertical issues, I imagined that perhaps she was just having a hard time actually seeing where she was going . I honestly did not think that perhaps her driving skills were any way directly correlated to her personality, until one morning;

We managed our normal song and dance routine of her entering , parking her car and me parking far far away. I gathered my gear, and got out of the car and headed for the elevator at the same time as CPLL. We were just about at the door, when I hear this wailing shriek. I actually ducked because I thought perhaps something dead was coming to steal my soul. It was at this point I realized ( probably because I was bent over low enough) that she was making this sound.

She turned around , still shrieking at the top of her lungs and stormed off to her car where she proceeded to kick the tires and pound on the hood . I stood with my mouth agap for a few minutes as she continued her car beating. Suddenly she stopped and be-lined for the door to the building. As she passed me in a whaft of perfume, she calmly explained that she had forgotten her purse at home. We got on the elevator and it was that very instant that I knew for my own personal safety I had to start arriving at work either way before her, or way after!

I must admit that over the past couple of years, that is the one and only time I have ever seen her lose it on her car like that- but I do know that she and the bathroom on our floor do not get along. We had to get new towel dispensers because of her ‘issues’ a fact she was more than willing to share with anyone who happened to be in the stall next to her.

The last time I happened to be in the bathroom at the same time as her, she started to talk to me (as per usual, while we are in the stalls) about not having a boyfriend and not being able to meet men. When we were both washing our hands, she point blank asked me if 1. I knew ways for her to meet nice men, and/or 2. If either of my bosses would talk with her about what kind of man would find her attractive.

 Yup…”I’ll get right on that!” and “Maybe you should start aiming your car at men driving alone at least you will get their phone number when you HIT THEM!!”


I think that perhaps I will do her a favour before I leave and nominate her for Canada's worst driver- hey could be a two for one. Maybe she will not kill someone on the road and meet Mr. Right.

Now you see why I am going to miss this place….

The amount of time we spend online has dramatically increased over the years; we have naturally progressed from , email, msn, online games, to blogging and crackbook. The latter two figuring more prominently over the past few years ( ok one hiatus from bloggy land I slipped, just once…) Cub even emails, and plays games online.  We’ve made some great new friends and it has been a fabulous way to stay in touch with friends past. What I did not know, was how important a role Facebook and the friends we have on there have become to my husband. They have become an invaluable resource for all of his deep  soulful  conversations regarding what used to be a very personal discussion between us…..Fashion.

Just the other weekend, I showed him a picture of a shirt that I think he would look good in- or at the very least I would like him to try it on. 

His response- we’ll see… Conversation dropped! ( WTH????? We’ll see what??  See  if hell freezes over? If we can afford for you to get new clothes?  What we’ll see) We didn’t discuss this particular shirt for a couple of days, quite honestly, I forgot all about it, by the time I saw his Facebook post regarding said shirt. He posted it, and asked if he could wear this shirt!

**A meager 21…21 comments later pertaining whether or not he should/could/want to wear said shirt, ‘WE’ conclude that, no go on the shirt. SERIOUSLY??? Am I not the person who sees you naked? Am I not the person who PHYSICALLY SEES YOU EVERY DAY!!!!  You’d think that my fashion sense would play some sort of role considering - RIIGHT IIIII SEEEE YOOOUUU EVVVERRRYYYY DDDDDAAAAYYYYY!!!....

As is the case, I go into denial straight away: “He must have wanted to know if he could pull it off? Maybe he thinks it’s too young? Maybe he thinks I dress stupid, Maybe he doesn’t actually like my fashion recommendations,  Maybe we should think about marriage counseling for our complete and utter breakdown in communication…. What am I going to do??????  Ok this may be a bit melodramatic- fuck it – it’s my story!

So being the good and most wonderful wife ever. I let it go. I figure he’s looking for a new look. Fine- make your own fashion choices! See if I care!!! So I made not a single comment, nada!

    ( ***You can imagine just how surprised he’s going to be when he reads THIS!! Heeeeee) 

Then the other day, it happened AGAIN! He was telling me about some shoes he found online, that looked so comfortable and “Oh honey, they make them for women too!! I think you will really like them!  I posted them to see what the guys thought of them."

 To be honest, he had me at shoes; until.. he showed me a picture of them:

“GLOVE SHOES??”

“They are for sports, they look really comfortable.”

“What sport would you wear them for exactly? “

“Well, I would wear them around the house- aren’t they cool?”

It was at this point that I too realized the importance of online friends who DON’T have to see him everyday.  While I was busy walking around the house in the Neanderthal man pose, and joking that I would get him a club so that he could go forth and gather in his new glove shoes, his internet friends were much , much nicer.

I however am a bitch!

** Disclaimer: If any of you reading this actually posted a note on said FB post, please note that this is not, I repeat NOT a slight on your comment!!**

*** All husbands were consulting prior to posting this !

I've lost something and I hope that maybe some of you can help me find it.. ( and noooo it is not my sanity although the verdict is still out)

You see, X and I used to go out. 

* Crowd GASPS*

Yes as in out of the house!  Man you are a saucy crowd!

I cannot for the life of me remember the last time we had a date night. (well I can, but it's a bit fuzzy which may or may not have had something to do with alcohol..I'll get back to you)

Date night was around when we got the dog, we still went out when we got the other dog, and still too with the cat… we went out when Cub was incubating…. Hell we still went out when Cub was a leechy baby .. so what the hell happened? Last time I checked, our social calendar wasn't that full to omit date night....

Now that we have an actual Kid , are a dog down and a cat up we don’t go out. ( hell he's easy to take care of NOW!)

Don’t even get me started on a whole night alone..what I would give ….

So when did date night disappear? oh...never mind, I think I may remember now...It may have a little something to do with moving away from free babysitters.

Now I see why parents look forward to their children's summer holidays- the return of date night!

*gets out calendar, starts marking off the days*

Last night, as per our usual routine, Cub was having a shower before bedtime. As of late he has adopted the "I'll do it myself" motto for everything, which of course is both amusing and liberating at the same time. This new found 'tude of course means that he no longer requires the assistance of the parental handlers when showering.  We have had a few ups and downs in this department;

 "KEEP THE WATER IN THE TUB!"

" DO NOT USE THE SHOWER HEAD TO GET YOUR KITTEN WET!"

" TINY LEGO PARTS ARE NOT TUB TOYS!"

"DO NOT SUCK ON THE FACE CLOTH!"

Welcome to our work in progress. 

Last night all was going well, he was soaped up, hair washed and having a grand ole time giggling away.

He started to sing, "Clean, clean, spotless clean" when I poked my head in to see how he was doing.

There he was, bent over 'scrubbing' the tub.

"Whatcha doing Cub?"

"I'm making the Tub spotless."

"You're cleaning the tub?"

" Yup."

I poke my head in the shower... He's standing there with my little ( and most favorite) facial brush in hand now scrubbing his belly button.

" Were you using THAT brush to clean the tub?"

*insert bambi eyes and the look of a pleased as punch 6 year old*

" Yes Mom. I wanted the Tub to be clean."

"That is MY brush and it should NOT be used for cleaning the tub!"

"Oh sorry Mom, but look  it made my penis spotless!"

I got this award from an awesome woman, who constantly amazes me with her wit and friendship! Danica Dragonfly

The Rules and Disclaimer Section…that we all agree to, but tend to skip:

1. Thank the person giving you the award.  2. Post a link to their blog.  3. Post the award on your blog.  4. Post 7 tidbits your readers don't know.  5. Hand it out to ten other bloggers.  6. Post links to their blogs.  7. Post a link letting those bloggers know. 

WOW, I have had serious issue with this one; this was much harder than I first thought. So hopefully the follow seven things will not bore you to death!

 Seven things you don’t know about me:

1.       I have been in three actual fist fights in my life.  The first one I got the crap beaten out of me, the second was a total dust up with my sister in our late teens; the third was on my 30^th birthday with some woman in a bar line up who ended up with a broken nose.

2.       I am superstitious. When I spill salt, I toss it over my shoulder. I pick up pennies, I don’t walk under ladders , step on cracks or open umbrella’s in the house. I rack this up to better safe than sorry!

3.        I’m a gum a-holic. I cannot go without gum.  Do you think I could find a meeting for that? “Hello everyone, My name is AA (HA!) and I chew a pack a day.”

4.         I have a extreme love of stationary/ office supplies. My favorite day at the office is when we get to order our supplies…wheeee.. no I’m not kidding! I have pens of every colour, stickies..oooh stickies..maybe I should change careers and go work for Staples or something.

5.        I absolutely LOVE the smell of tires and have since I was very small. I don’t know why, I can’t explain it, but perhaps it explains a lot about me.

6.       I get what another blogger referred to as “the sadz”. Dull weather, stress, loneliness, and my own state of mind play a huge part.  I hate it, and unfortunately this state has been more prevalent than I care it to be.

7.       I can get sappy! For instance you blogging beaudatious bunch mean a lot to me…nuff said for now cause I don’t want to end this post this way!!

Ok so the last rulz I have to follow is to bestow, which everyone I would have given it to has already got it; so I am borrowing a page out of Brite’s book and here are a couple  of the blogs I follow that I find amusing as all get out for their honesty and hell I love to laugh!...GAK did I make it 8.. whoa!!

Vodka Mom

The Bloggess

So I got an awesome award, from an awesome lady, and I was all set to do what I have to do to get it done and yet here I am not writing it and now I need to explain why, why I'm not posting it and why I am using one large run on sentence to explain everything.

 I had planned  for today's post to be the award, but instead I am going to give you the gist of how well my 'planned' day has gone thus far;

• If you spend the night before staying up late- you will most certainly not get up on time. Then your Cub will not get up on time, because you remembered that you didn't do any prep for a client that is meeting with your boss first thing before you get into work so you spend 20 minutes emailing him forms and not getting your child up. By now Cub has slept in another 20 minutes on top of the extra 15. Now you have to drive your child straight to school, because, in yet another brilliant move, you didn't make his lunch the night before, and you are now 1/2 hour late for the bus. 
• If you are already late for work, the volume of traffic will grow exponentially, so much so that it comes to a virtual stand still on the freeway.
• If you haul your butt into work a measly 45 minutes late, rest assured the hypochondriac coworker will decide that she must now leave for the day before she dies from inhaling too much of her own crap....  Just before she leaves for the weekend, she dumps a crap load of work, and is barking out orders like a drill Sargent on crack.. You are now alone and doing the work load for 3 people because the receptionist is on holidays too.
• If your boss seems pretty damn chipper be wary... Unless of course he has spent the last four days 'chatting' with some new chicky on the interwebs..good for him...what was that? You are booking off the next two days? You are leaving today at noon? You are flying to the Coast? Sure I can do all that stuff that needs to be done before the end of Friday....here let me hold the door for you....

 Breathes in.....Breathes out

So the boss is gone. The receptionist is on holidays. The gnome has left ill, and I am here with one boss left and a craptastic amount of work to do ...( Can't you tell??)

Oh and if you were planning to have a nice relaxing drive home, maybe go for a bike ride when you get home, forget it, because instead Mother Nature has decided your city needs a little dusting done. Just a minor wind warning, just to blow out the cobwebs...I mean, the winds are only expected to reach 90km/hr..with rain and snow....

So instead of doing an awesome post, I rant...and cry...and reach for the flask in my desk drawer..

Today we whine....tomorrow...AWARD!!