We are down to the wire around here!  I have started packing boxes and the movers come on Tuesday- so if I go missing for a couple of days you know that I am tits deep in packing materials. Have no fear and HEY!!! Stop clapping your hands! I will be back. I won’t be Arnold, but I’ll be back.

Without further adieu and long run on sentences, may I present;

Things I am going to miss about this place:  The sarcastic chronicles Vol. 1:

First I feel as though I must disclaim that I do indeed work in a really nice building in a really nice part of town. There just happens to be a ‘gentleman’s club’ across the street, that I have to pass everyday when I am leaving work.  This club is not open in the daytime, so for the most part I don’t even really notice it.

Ok I did notice it when the school bus was parked out front for several months.  What are you doing? School trip? Group outings? Bus driver with a second job? Huh? But for the most part I don't pay much attention.

Until the summer:

The traffic slows, and several men can be seen leering out the windows of our office space . One of the men in my office even has a pair of binoculars for such times. It helps keeps the face prints off the windows .You see in the summer we are treated to quite a show ; the club operates a bikini car wash.  They get the ladies out in full force. Bikini clad, high heels, shades , ass and boobs. I won’t even go into the little rant I had planned here about exploitation of women and how I personally feel about strip clubs- let’s just suffice it to say I am not a fan, but  I get it that these girls need cash too.

                                                     This is no low end operation:

They have signs, real nice - not hand made coloured paper ones. They have  very nice shiny silhouette of a naked woman on them, that go down the strip for blocks advertising. As if these bad boys weren’t enough to get the guys in,  for what I can only imagine is a crappy boob smudged wash job;  they have started getting the ladies to stand on the street corner, sporting pom poms or hula hoops.

OK I get it, sex sells, you operate a strip club, you are working your advertizing assets. I would prefer NOT to see that much ass or boobs  on a daily basis , but I deal.  But I have to draw the line at the  trampoline.

I have to drive this piece of road (That is 4 lanes wide and very very busy at rush hour) every mother of a day to get back to the safety of my home. These fuckers break out the trampoline , stick pretty young boobies in thongs on there and all you can see for blocks is Boobs and Ass bouncing up and down. 

This  boobage puts my life in peril daily! Trucks slam on their brakes, traffic slows to a crawl, Cars make illegal lane changes, and drooling men can be seen for blocks. On more than one occasion I have nearly been sideswiped by some frothing male trying to get a better look. Then to top it all off, they line up down the block causing a freaking traffic jam! OVER BOOBS!

Stupid Tits!

Yeah I’m gonna miss THAT!

AA

                                                    

• Four (huge) glasses of wine consumed on a Wednesday night will indeed result in a small hangover Thursday morning.
• Never ask a 6 year old boy if you look fat.
• Always ask said 6 year old boy if you look nice.
• Clock in kitchen is running 10 minutes late.
• When running  10 minutes late for work you will forget your cell phone, miss the school bus and get stuck in construction.
• Your Mom will be able to keep you on the phone for at least an hour planning a trip that is over 3 weeks away.
• Because you didn’t manage to get the laundry put away last weekend, you will not be able to find that really cute tank top that goes perfectly under that new little jacket you got. So stop looking for it even if it the only thing you want to wear!
• Clock in bedroom is 10 minutes fast.
• Dog will take over The man I sleep with’s side of the bed when he is out of town.
• 67 year old women have mastered the silent treatment and think everyone is talking about them.
• Kittens think that your scarves hanging in the closet make excellent ladders.
• I don't actually give a rat's ass about Soccer.
• The Mom’s at baseball wear too much make up and over dress.
• The clock on the stove is 5 minutes faster than the clock on the coffee pot and 7 minutes slower than the clock in the kitchen.
• You only have a week and ½ until School is out and Cub goes on vacation.
• When something needs to be mailed it will be late. Happy Father’s Day Dad, the card is in the mail…soon!
• The clock in the car is 7 minutes faster than my watch and 17 minutes faster than the clock in the kitchen.
• That 24 Celsius is perfect beverage sipping temperature on the deck.
• Monday is the first day of summer.
• All the clocks are getting reset this weekend.

Happy Weekend to all!!
AA

We may have reached critical mass around here. The moving company comes tomorrow to estimate the move. Boxes are lined up and ready to pack. The new space has been finalized and most importantly the internet is hooked up and good to go. We will officially be in our new office July 1^st. 

 What’s that you say fellow Canadians? July 1^st isn’t that a holiday? Why yes . Did you know it falls on a Thursday, and for some cockamamie reason our government has the foresight to decide that Canada’s birthday MUST be celebrated on the actual day and not moved to the following Friday. COME ON!! Every child who celebrates a birthday during the week has to wait until the weekend to have the birthday party. Couldn’t we do the same for Canada’s birthday?  

Apparently even statutory holidays mean little to the self absorbed. You see yahoo wanted me to be at work on the 1^st because * insert whiny voice here and perhaps a little foot stomp* it is our official first day in the new office. When I explained that it was a HOLIDAY and that I would NOT be in the office, his response was, well what am I supposed to do?

Oh I don’t fucking know?? How about not go in and take the day off like the rest of the country!? NO ONE IS GOING TO CALL!!!

On a side note, I did prevail in my not coming in on the 1^st and in addition to that I managed to take the Friday off so indeed I will get a long weekend. Employee’s with several weeks of vacation accrued can be a royal pain in the tucka apparently? Who knew?

I will be thankful and probably massively hung-over for a day or two once this move is completed. OK I won’t be hung-over at work- I will actually be partaking in this little endeavour on my days off while others are moving my stuff, so that I may actually want to return to my employment.  Because right now I don’t think I can take much more and just the very thought of having to drag my butt – which is no small feat let me tell you into the office is enough cause for committal.

Suffice it to say for many reasons that I cannot get into, I have been rather whacked out on the stress front. Trying to organize someone who prides themselves on not being organized is like herding horny cats. Little buggers howl, grown and are always dashing off somewhere to get….some while the herder is left with a ripe o’ litter box.

I am clinging to the fact that once this move/divorce is over that my work life will resume some sort of normalcy. Although I have  yet to see any indication of what the hell normal actually IS around here,  let alone what normal is going to be . There will be less factors to have to deal with; no trolls or righteous I know more than you do because I am older than you bu,t have never done your job receptionists.

I hope that is a little ray of sunshine I see there peeking between the clouds.

AA

*does a little dance, shakes boobs  little bit*

The playoffs are over and today is the Stanley Cup parade in Chicago**. I am very happy and yes I did do a little dance and drop a tear or two when Chicago won the other night even though the ending was a bit weird. In not in? Why is he skating towards his own goal OMG IT IS IN THE NET! It was weird- nuff said.

I love hockey. But I don’t love all hockey. In fact I only get interested in the second half of the season and once the playoffs start rest assured there will always be a game on in my house. Which is why I am appealing to the NHL on behalf of my family’s health and well being to shorten the season. I think we are having an allergic reaction to Hockey!

I first noticed the symptoms last year during the playoffs :  They started off benign enough, first it was the guy who never used to like hockey until he met me felt  a little nauseous the morning after a game. I felt slightly light headed and craved greasy food. As the play offs progressed I noticed these symptoms getting more intense, and would generally fall on the day after the game. Luckily Cub was immune. Once the playoffs were over it took us several days before we started to feel better.

This year for some reason the reactions were more concentrated for both of us. They even trickled over onto Cub.  He started yelling “whoot whoot”  and doing fist pumps at the TV when ‘his team’ would score. He even started to dance to the Chicago** goal song! The man I sleep with would occasionally wake up with red eyes and blurred vision. My reactions were so bad that I had to take antacids, and even wound up staying home from work one day.  We both suffered from severe headaches and nausea.

Just when we thought it couldn’t get worse, we noticed lunches weren’t getting made, dishes weren’t getting done. We were literally missing hours of our life. Had we been abducted by aliens or was this mental lapse signaling the complete shut- down of our immune systems to this killer bug.

The worst of it came to a head yesterday morning. Mr. Let’s stay up and watch the after-show was late for work, it took me hours to notice I had put on two different socks and my poor Cub had his pants on backwards all day! I put my foot down, enough was enough something HAD to be done-we were starting to dress funny!

Today, so far the symptoms haven’t returned and thankfully we are all on the mend. Now you see why I need to appeal to the NHL to shorten the playoff schedule . We need to limit our exposure. I propose that the teams only play on Friday and Saturday nights. Ok maybe we could negotiate  a Sunday night game – but please for the health of my family no afternoon games!

This weekend I am so writing Gary Bettman while I sit on my deck in the sunshine, vodka in hand!

Happy hockey and symptom free weekend to all!

AA

** I started to cheer for Chicago after all the Canadian teams were officially out of the playoffs because, the Chicago Blackhawks have one of the highest number of Canadians on their team roster.  Yes I will admit that I scoured the rosters , counted up the Canadians and did the percentages. Yup one big geek right here! Well that and I think Toews deserved to hoist the cup…psst  he’s Canadian! See what I am up against here?

I have the best of intentions sometimes, like the intention to write and post this on Monday, the actual day after the weekend, but like the best of intentions it went out the window with the blog post.

I was going to be clever and witty and charming and sexy and droll, but that too got lost somewhere. OK I didn’t lose it, I was having some difficulty.

You see it all started on Sunday, well it kinda started on Saturday when the weather finally decided to be nice. I got up early and cleaned my house (really I need to learn to knock that shit off because I believe I am beginning to sound much more OCD than I really am) so I had an early jump on the sunshine. I went outside to have a cup of coffee and a smoke – yes, yes, I know, keep reading.. when I looked and finally SAW the state of our deck.

Who knew that two relatively neat and smart people could turn their deck into a storage yard of scrap lumber, tires, garbage, kid toys and lawn furniture over the course of a couple of snowy months!  OK it wasn’t banjo playing bad, but it was bad. So the man who loves to leave garbage cans out in the rain to collect water and breed mosquito's and I cleaned off the deck and proceeded to have a wonderful playful day with Cub.

Because we had accomplished so much on Saturday, ( we actually did do more things on Saturday, like grocery shopping, grass mowing, baseball, BBQ’in, BS’in and  *closes drapes*) we basically had a freebie day on Sunday. Now Freebie day for me, translates into tackle a project day, for the man I sleep with, this could translate into, read a book day, play video games day, go golfing day, but today the planets aligned and we were on the same page. It was tackle the front yard day!

We spent the better part of the morning collecting our requirements, mulch, edging, trellis, plant, yes, only one plant- because I had already spent over budget on the mulch and edging. So we got the flower bed weeded, trellis erected, and we spent the greater part of the remainder of the afternoon cutting sod away from the base of the tree, where we wanted to make a circle of mulch!!  Ooohh aaahhh… but that tree is a real whore to cut around, it’s the kind that nearly tears your face off every time you even look at it the wrong way. We worked our asses off,  hell if it was only that simple! Oh yeah, did I mention it was sunny, and hot for the first time since , like APRIL!!

We were starting to clean up, when I realized just how hot and red I had become. Now I normally run a fair bit warmer than lizard man, but this was woogie kinda warm. The I’ve been out in the sun far too long for my pale freckled skin to handle kind of warm. So I boogied inside, grabbed a cold beer, yum, and slipped into the shower to cool off.

Apparently during this time, the weather god was displeased with my sudden departure from the sunshine and she decided that a little fucking down pour was in order. So Cub and Mr. I’m too fucking tall to fit under the tree and I hate the fucking rain was left outside to gather all that was somewhat important that couldn’t get wet and bring it inside.

By the time I got myself all cute again, which is code for dressed and a second beer, the rain had stopped , so Mr. Now I’m all wet from the rain and I decided to enjoy our bevies and look at the fruits of our labour. 

Our deck has a little step, not a big step, a one little bitty step down from one side to the other, I was on the higher side, and took that little step down.  I must admit at the time, I didn’t think too much about my cute little flip flops that I use for booging around the yard- they matched my outfit, I was happy. Well until I stepped into a little puddle of water that had collected on the deck. Who knew those cute little flip flops didn’t  have suction cups on the bottom? 

It was one of those slow motion moments, my left leg went flying out in front of me, my right leg couldn’t grasp any footing, the right arm went out and down (Why the hell are you doing that you dumb ass put it back!) and down I went in an earth shattering, well made the windows on the house shake Kafuckingboom!  Mr.didn’t even crack a smile even though his wife was laughing with hysterics ever so sweetly helped me to my feet to ensure I was all in one piece and a trip to the hospital was not in order.

Lucky for me, my hand and ass took the brunt of the fall, so much so that my right wrist swole all the way up and has turned a lovely shade of purple. My ass, well, let’s suffice it to say it made it out OK. 

I have managed to twist my knee, and my hand is all wrapped up making typing difficult over the last few days. So you see why I didn’t get this puppy up sooner it was the Flip Flops Fault!

I know that there are a bunch of you out there now going through a bunch of crap, I hope that I at least brought a smile to your face. Please know that I am thinking about you all!

AA out!

I like to consider myself a savy shopper. I love a good bargain and get all squealy when I find something I consider to be a fabulous deal. Some of my greatest finds come when I am grocery shopping because the store I frequent and give too much of my hard earned cash to likes to slash prices on their inventory just to get rid of it. That is how I managed to purchase 6 metal (what used to be called "Lawn furniture" but is now referred to as "Outdoor living" which really is just code for jacking up the price on metal and plastic outside furniture that deteriorates from the earths elements) chairs for my parents at a measly $3.50 a piece. 


 These bad boys were not your stock plastic take one look at them and they fall apart type lawn chairs. These were the good and heavy metal ones with plastic straps that needed those fat ass cushions to go over top and 'retail' on them was 35 bucks a piece.( I did manage to pick up 4 cushions for $5.00 a piece, tricky bastards, they just KNOW you need the cushions...)
 ( more like this only metal)
So I managed to get these chairs and cushions onto a flat, pay for them, get them out into the parking lot, wheeled over to the car, and then and only then did I start to wonder just exactly how I was going to pack these bad boys into my car. You know the 1980 Honda Civic I was driving at the time- you know the one  with the Hatchback. I calmly whipped out the cell phone to see if anyone could come to my rescue- fat freaking ass chance of that happening.  There was no way I was coughing up these chairs, thankfully they stacked and I figured I could fit 3 high with the back seat down, so in I slid the first three.. smooth as silk.
The next three, were, shall we say, bitchy? I was cramming, pushing, swearing, moving seats, ripping carpet praying that I could shut the hatch and not die from the exhaust fumes, trying to get these bastages into the car. Hell labour was easier than that.
 By now I felt as though a small crowd should have formed to watch this stubborn ass woman trying to cram lawn furniture into her small car- but alas, apparently this is a daily occurrence. I was tiring from the exertion and on my final shove , my hands slipped off causing the full force of my push to send my face slamming into the metal bar. Thankfully my nose was there to stop the full face impact and the chairs ended up having a  lovely spattering of red on them. 
Lucky for me, my darling husband never let's me forget this little fiasco, he constantly uses it as a point of reference for my stubborn nature, did I mention that was over 8 years ago ( and yes I did indeed get all the chairs in the car!)... Yeah I know, he can be a fucker sometimes.


So a couple of weeks back, I did my little dance of joy again when I stumbled across a little video camera, and by little I mean those ones that are made for kids but are better video than on your cell phone type jobby. The price tag was $22.00 from $100.00. I called the man who likes to still call me stubborn this time to OK the purchase and we were good to go.
It has taken Cub a while to get the video bug shall we say, until this evening. He had created some Lego masterpiece on the dining room table and had a car racing through it, when he decided that it would be fabulous to video the car crashing into the Lego bridge.
He was working it like a pro. "I need more light", "Mom, hold this, move that, do this". While he was busy creating the next Transformers movie, I slipped off to go and wash my hair.
Now you may remember that the kitten has a thing for water, so when she was sitting on the toilet beside me I took no notice as I was bent over head down ass up over the tub until..



"Awe, tiny girl, look here, look at Mom.. Hey Mom? Know what? Your bum looks really big"
I whipped around to see my giggling son with his video camera.
"Were you video taping me washing my hair?"
"Yeah, but I couldn't see you because your bum was in the way."
"We now have a new rule. No video taping anyone while they are in the bathroom- OK?"
"Ok."
I was tucking him in tonight and he's all cute as pie when he's getting into bed.
"Hey Mom, remember when I video taped your BUTT!! haahahahahaaa"


There is no mistake, he is his father's son.