Things I am going to miss about this place Volume one.

So some of you may remember, that my two Dads, ( or bosses) are divorcing. As a result, I will be heading out with Dad #2  (he needs a new name- I just haven’t settled on one just yet. I currently call him many things- some cannot be repeated in public) Due to the divorce, we’ve been looking for new digs, and we seem to have located something that fits our ..uhum…criteria… but it’s not in the building we are in, so we will be moving to a much smaller place.

This makes me somewhat sad, because this building has seen its share of some of the oddest people & random events, that have caused me tremendous pleasure.

For example, Crazy Parking lot Lady* Name changed to protect her identity.

In order to completely understand CPLL, I must describe her; she is in her late 40’s, bleach blond shoulder length … hair? Although it never seems to have a set style. She is also very very vertically challenged- If I had to guess, she’s maybe 4 ½ feet tall- yup not much taller than Cub ( WHO IS 6..but I digress)  She also seems to have an intense love of shirts with animal prints; she always wears black pants that are too tight with boots. And the worst pair of nerdy ass glasses I have EVER seen on a woman!

While I am sure that CPLL has many redeeming qualities, driving and social interaction are not amongst them. In the first month I worked in this building, she cut me off from 4 lanes of traffic over and nearly hit my front bumper –no less than 7 times!

This woman cannot, I repeat cannot make it into the parkade ‘chute’ where we have to swipe to get in to the underground parking, without HITTING something. I ‘ve seen her hit the curb (many many times) hit the electronic arm so hard she broke it, hit the car in front of her, hit the big yellow metal pole so many times that she has permanent yellow paint on her front bumper.

She is also too vertically challenged to reach close enough with her swipe key to activate the switch, so she has devised a clever system of long aluminum kitchen tongs with her key on a ring that she dangles out the window at the sensor like she’s waving a flag of defeat. I cannot even count how many times she has dropped said key and left her car in gear as she has exited to retrieve it from the ground ( See hitting the arm above)

During the past 2 years I have learned to park in the spot farthest from her once she makes it into the parkade. You by now have some sort of understanding of how well she can park!

For many months, I racked up her driving skills as horrid, but gave her leeway due to her vertical issues, I imagined that perhaps she was just having a hard time actually seeing where she was going . I honestly did not think that perhaps her driving skills were any way directly correlated to her personality, until one morning;

We managed our normal song and dance routine of her entering , parking her car and me parking far far away. I gathered my gear, and got out of the car and headed for the elevator at the same time as CPLL. We were just about at the door, when I hear this wailing shriek. I actually ducked because I thought perhaps something dead was coming to steal my soul. It was at this point I realized ( probably because I was bent over low enough) that she was making this sound.

She turned around , still shrieking at the top of her lungs and stormed off to her car where she proceeded to kick the tires and pound on the hood . I stood with my mouth agap for a few minutes as she continued her car beating. Suddenly she stopped and be-lined for the door to the building. As she passed me in a whaft of perfume, she calmly explained that she had forgotten her purse at home. We got on the elevator and it was that very instant that I knew for my own personal safety I had to start arriving at work either way before her, or way after!

I must admit that over the past couple of years, that is the one and only time I have ever seen her lose it on her car like that- but I do know that she and the bathroom on our floor do not get along. We had to get new towel dispensers because of her ‘issues’ a fact she was more than willing to share with anyone who happened to be in the stall next to her.

The last time I happened to be in the bathroom at the same time as her, she started to talk to me (as per usual, while we are in the stalls) about not having a boyfriend and not being able to meet men. When we were both washing our hands, she point blank asked me if 1. I knew ways for her to meet nice men, and/or 2. If either of my bosses would talk with her about what kind of man would find her attractive.

 Yup…”I’ll get right on that!” and “Maybe you should start aiming your car at men driving alone at least you will get their phone number when you HIT THEM!!”


I think that perhaps I will do her a favour before I leave and nominate her for Canada's worst driver- hey could be a two for one. Maybe she will not kill someone on the road and meet Mr. Right.

Now you see why I am going to miss this place….