2
You thought wrong.
Posted by Amethyst Anne
in
trying to make a baby
Once again I am faced with another month of my own mortality. Once again I am forced to look in the mirror and pronounce upon myself that I am indeed getting closer to 40 and while I may feel more like 30, my body and therefore my reproductive system are not.
Trust me when I say to not go googling pregnancy chances and 39 year olds on the internet. This was one cold hard lesson in the reality that is the internet upon my psyche.
Apparently according to the internet (which we all know to be correct because it is on the internet) being a 39 year old woman is near death, I mean, on a good month I may have a whopping 15% chance or lower of getting knocked up. However, of course in all of the disclaimers, this percentage pertains to the 30's in general and as the late thirties approach this number could in fact be much much lower.
Fucking wonderful..
You thought you were good to go....
But wait...There's more..
If you are over weight, that decreases your chances,
Well, last time I checked I wasn't all that freaking thin the last time I got knocked up.
You drink coffee? That decreases your chances.
You don't want me to NOT drink coffee! There will be no hope in hell of me ever seeing the nakedness of the man I married if I am not sustained by coffee. He won't want to be in the same room as me!
Do you consume alcoholic beverages? That decreases your chances.
Ummm.....This one I may beg to differ on, I really think that should read, INCREASE.
Do you smoke? Well that decreases your chances.
Guilty, guilty and every time I light one up guilty..
So let's see, another 4 decreases on a slightly decreased scale, I figure by these calculations that I have at best an 11% chance..but I've never been all that great at math so I am sure that number is much closer to 5%.
Oh but there is more!!
According to the old and wise internet, the likelihood of having Twins increases as you age, because, your eggs are more likely to travel in pairs. Apparently they don't like to travel alone when they are older, maybe those fallopian tubes are spooky, who am I to judge.
So, let me get this straight, if by some miracle of miracles I do manage to time/stand/lay/sacrifice something small/ get myself impregnated, the upside is a real possibility of having twins!
What the hell?
This month there is no fear of twins and I am off to contemplate/ruminate/cry/beat myself up/ hormone out for the next week.
Maybe next month.
Trust me when I say to not go googling pregnancy chances and 39 year olds on the internet. This was one cold hard lesson in the reality that is the internet upon my psyche.
Apparently according to the internet (which we all know to be correct because it is on the internet) being a 39 year old woman is near death, I mean, on a good month I may have a whopping 15% chance or lower of getting knocked up. However, of course in all of the disclaimers, this percentage pertains to the 30's in general and as the late thirties approach this number could in fact be much much lower.
Fucking wonderful..
You thought you were good to go....
But wait...There's more..
If you are over weight, that decreases your chances,
Well, last time I checked I wasn't all that freaking thin the last time I got knocked up.
You drink coffee? That decreases your chances.
You don't want me to NOT drink coffee! There will be no hope in hell of me ever seeing the nakedness of the man I married if I am not sustained by coffee. He won't want to be in the same room as me!
Do you consume alcoholic beverages? That decreases your chances.
Ummm.....This one I may beg to differ on, I really think that should read, INCREASE.
Do you smoke? Well that decreases your chances.
Guilty, guilty and every time I light one up guilty..
So let's see, another 4 decreases on a slightly decreased scale, I figure by these calculations that I have at best an 11% chance..but I've never been all that great at math so I am sure that number is much closer to 5%.
Oh but there is more!!
According to the old and wise internet, the likelihood of having Twins increases as you age, because, your eggs are more likely to travel in pairs. Apparently they don't like to travel alone when they are older, maybe those fallopian tubes are spooky, who am I to judge.
So, let me get this straight, if by some miracle of miracles I do manage to time/stand/lay/sacrifice something small/ get myself impregnated, the upside is a real possibility of having twins!
What the hell?
This month there is no fear of twins and I am off to contemplate/ruminate/cry/beat myself up/ hormone out for the next week.
Maybe next month.
