The past few weeks have not been too great for me. In fact I have had the starring role at a personal pity party, that I have now cordially invited all of you to partake in, I know, I’m sweet for inviting y’all along. Really there is nothing you need to bring, the appys and bevies are on me.

I don’t know if it has been the weather, the stress of work, the same old life stresses we go through, or some colossal explosive combination of the three- but it has been quite a funk. A funk I cannot seem to find my way out of.

I have tried the tested and true method of dousing it with alcohol, while this works for a bit, it seems to come back with a vengeance the next day.

I have tried to sweet talk it and dance it out of my soul, but it apparently is a feisty tango that keeps twirling back.

I have teased it with Facebook, but it get disappointed.

I have submersed it in books, but it hangs out on the back cover.

I’ve played it to near exhaustion with Cub, but it just moves its toys when I’m not looking.

X has tried to distract it long enough for me to whack it with a baseball bat but I can’t get it out of the park.

This is one of those funks that makes you look in every nook and cranny of your soul, searching, reflecting, digesting, vomiting… ( but not on the appy’s  I promise).

So if you are looking for me, I am the one doing the funky dance in the pity corner.

I have been in hiding... from many things, but mostly hurt.

It is something rather hard to deal with when one has been wounded. You can be walking along doing your thing, and something so very benign can trigger that punched in the gut feeling and the next thing you know, that demon of hurt enters your soul.

This particular demon and I were introduced a couple of days ago and it infiltrated my whole universe. It tainted more than my soul. It threw into question everything I hold sacred, it rocked my world and not in a good way...

Now that I have lived with this little shit of a demon in my soul for a couple of days, I realise that I need to forgive. This is not something I do well, but I know that unless I do, my life could be completely changed forever and I would concede to the demon.

In so many ways it is easier to keep emotionally punching the person who hurt you, so that your hurt dissipates and anger takes over or worse yet, that creepy calm feeling of emotional retreat. I want to yell, lash out, and cry oh god I want to cry, anything to make this demon in my soul leave.

How does one start the process of forgiveness so that the demon doesn't completely take over?

I suppose the short answer is a minute at a time, followed by an hour, a day- you just have to start....
I'm trying...
I am really trying...
But I am also changed...and am changing....I also need to forgive myself and come out of hiding.
Which is the real reason I started to blog again. This blog is an old friend and whether or not anyone ever reads it doesn't bother me, because its mine and it is helping to keep the demon out of my soul.

I have had this blog a long time. Not that you can tell though because I went and deleted all of my old posts, all 200 plus of them from what feels like a lifetime ago.
I figured it was time to start fresh with an old friend. Back when I started this blog, my job allowed me plenty of time for ruminating and rambling on about my life and general observations. In fact much of my day was spent blogging. I do not have that same luxurynow, even if my lunch hours can still be too long.
I have aged since I last blogged and I would like to think that I am wiser too - HA! My kid has grown from a toddler to a full on boy, and is the best thing in my life. We moved provinces, bought a house and have settled into domesticity. One of our dogs died and we got a new cat.
Funny how 4 years can be summed up so simply, and short.